Friday, March 19, 2010

I Did The Dawg And The 10 Puppies

"Are you having a good time? You enjoying yourself?", he sweetly asked.

I nodded.  Like an excited and slightly (more than) drunk puppy.  

I was feeling light-headed and felt like no one is sexier than me.  I'm THE sexiest! Everybody wants me.  Everybody is looking at  me. I'm having the time of my life.  

It's weird how alcohol boosts your self-confidence and turn you into one of those women you hate when you are sober and sane.  

We were at the All White Party in the 'burbs.  Honey Lips decided to take me to the party since I've been sick.  I'm still not 100% recovered but hey! any excuse to party I'm in!

I wasn't wearing anything white unless you count the white beads on my slippers.  I was bloating.  When you bloat you do NOT wear white.  No matter how skinny you are.  There are women who disregard that rule.  If you're fat don't wear white.  You'll look fatter.  There. I said it.  Yes.  White makes you look FATTER! 

50% of women in that bash were fat.  And were wearing white.  Boastfully showing off their fat rolls to whomever might care to stare.  Like me. Don't get me wrong.  I'm not a size-zero chick.  I'm fat as compared to the pictures you see on the magazines.  But I make sure I try to camouflage my extra grease when I dress up.  I neither hate fat people.  Or thick, as some of you sugarcoat it refer to fat people.  

Before I get bashed let me reiterate: I. AM. NOT. HATING. ON. FAT. PEOPLE.

So yes, I was enjoying myself so much.  Then it was time to go home.  

The following morning, I woke up quite late.  Honey Lips was already up and telling his friend about last night.

And I hear, "Johana did the dawg and the 10 puppies..."

Huh?! What?! What did I do?  Was I that drunk?  I remember every damn thing but me doing the dawwg and the 10 puppies...

I questioningly looked at him and he motioned to me to hold on.

Hanging up, then he explained, "That's the new lingo me and X (his friend) came up with."

"But what the hell does it mean?", I queried, confused.

"Did I really do the dog?", I added, alarmed.

He broke up in laughter (must have been the comical expression I had on my face) and clarified, "It means when you enjoyed the most.  You had fun more than anybody else. You outdid everyone else. Or like an underdog."



"You were in your element last night.  I've never seen you danced like that. Awww come here...", he further added, extending his arms to hug me.

And there I was, thinking:

 "Poor thing, he doesn't know how reckless I can get when I suck on alcohol.  Especially Hennessy...Or maybe he does know.  Oh yes he knows how I uninhibitedly behave when I'm all super lush! Maybe he was jealous because usually he gets to do the dog and all the 10 puppies!  That's why he doesn't let me drink more than 2 glasses when we're out...selfish bastard...wanting the dogs all for himself..."


Nuke Girl said...

Bwahahaaaa... I was wondering where this title was going! Insult? Compliment? Sounds like a compliment to me, albeit a someone creepy one. ;P

I agree with you about the white, I'm sure even Gisele Bundchen has days where she looks fat in white. White shows EVERYTHING.

OfficeGirl said...

Every cow at the walmart where I live always wear white. I think they think it makes them look angelic...but I'll tell you something, nothing makes you stare in sick disbelief like cottage cheese lumps trying to escape cotton white spandex.

Kanwalful said...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAH. I agree with the white bit. Fat people wearing white look like super-sized cheese cakes.

Blue~Flame said...

Hahaha! Dawg and 10 puppies..
Ok, how did your HL even come up with that phrase?

Guess what the word verificn was before I jumped in to edit: SUBER !! :D

Andhari said...

Haha I love it. "Puppies all to himself":p

Btw I'm so with you on NOT wearing things that accentuate your body fat. Haha. I'm not gonna wear white if I'm bloated and even when I'm not bloated, I prefer other darker colors :D

Magpie said...

I'm definitely going to start using that phrase!

And yeah, I own white jeggings that I have never worn because they are WHITE. Case closed.

Johana Hill said...

Nuke I took it as a compliment too! ;p

OfficeGirl Sick disbelief was the phrase I was looking for! Thanks... ;p

Kanwalful Don't compare them to cheesecakes! Cheesecakes are delicious...LOL

Blue~Flame I got no scooby where and how he comes up with such stupidness (another slang).

Andhari You can wear white. You ain't fat. I stay away from white clothes too and mostly my clothes are black! ;p

Magpie I have a white pair of those fancy leggings. Wore it once only. Not again. ;p

Juliana said...

So glad you are back, I need posts like THIS one ha ha!

The Stepster said...

Drunken stories are awesome. Loved this! Also, love your comment form message. Cracked me up for some reason. I don't know, I just woke up. =p

Anonymous said...

HA! Amazing. I don't hate fat people either - many people I love happen to be what some might call 'fat.' But what I hate more is when large humans wear items that are NOT FLATTERING. Like, WHITE ITEMS. Did their mothers/society/bitter ex boyfriends teach them nothing?!?!

Additionally, how embarrassing is it when you hear from somebody that you 'did the dog' without even knowing! It's even worse when you remember thinking you were the sexiest thing since sliced bread and you were a dog-doing mess. That doesn't only happen to me... right? OH, and my manpanion is the dog-do-er wayyyy more often than I am, which makes me feel better about the occasional role reversal ;)

MKL said...

OMG, you hate white people? Fat people? Drunken people? Puppies? You even hate Honey Lips? OMG, Johana, so unexpected from you :P You should go to rehab, but you said. . .

no no no... :P

Susie Q said...

Dude, it's so not cool to be hatin' on me! I'm so sexiiiii that when I wear my white skin-tight wet-look leggings with a white baby top that's about two sizes too big, I look hawt!!!! (either that or like a sausage that's been in the oven for too long and burst out of its skin...)

I agree, fat people should not wear white. At least in the trouser-department. Tops? Meeeh, I can forgive. All-white? You look like a whole bag of marshmallows just melted and formed one giant, bag-shaped marshmallow.

And I'm so like you; when I'm drunk, doing the dawg and the 10 puppies just comes naturally! :D


Johana Hill said...

MKL I ain't go to rehab I said no no no...! LOL...Amy Winehouse...I'm not hating on anyone like that... *blows you a raspberry*

Susie Q Once I went to a club in Picadilly Circus and I got free water (It was a big deal then!) just because I was too drunk to move. I was lying down on the toilet floor with my feet out. That's how my friend and the security guard found my boots...LOL

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