Beat The Bitch!

If you've read the previous post then you'll laugh at my Christmas gift - well, one of 'em.

A book that tells you how to fend off men-stealing bitches.

Lover Boo is a darlin'.  Thank you boo-boo!

I haven't started the book yet.  I'll surely share some tips with y'all when I finish it. ;p

So, are you ready to end this year??

There's Always A Bitch Who Tryna Fuck Up My Love Story! - Part II

"What's her fucking problem?" I muttered to myself when I see her message on Honey Lips' Facebook wall.  "Ain't she got nothing better to do?"

I reached home, tired.  A shower later, I was in bed, with the laptop on, checking out Facebook for the latest "news".  I usually look up Honey Lips profile page just to see what he's been up to.  And what with Facebook new you-can-now-see-what-the-other-has-written-on-x-wall-feature, you can't hide.  (Thank you Mark! Or, whoever you stole the idea from!)

Anydamnway, there's this self-proclaimed classy bitch who, I believe, is just a bloody pain in the arse.  In my arse, to be precise.

"Hi babes! Wassup?", Honey Lips answered my call with enthusiasm.  My heart flipped.

I'm going to burst your bubble mister.  That's what's up!

And out loud came, "What the fuck is wrong with that friend of yours?".  I gritted my teeth.  "Why she keeps like-ing every damn thing you post on Facebook?"

"What?!", Honey Lips bemusedly exclaimed.

"Fucking Miss I-Shit-Gold, that's who!", I impatiently explained.

"Oh God Johanna, not Facebook again! How many times will I tell you Miss I-Shit-Gold and I are good friends.  Nothing more!" His bubble is well burst up now.

I harrumphed.  "No shit.  Then why she's acting like she your damn wife? Bloody disrespecting me on Facebook and you ain't saying nothin'! What's with all the lovey-dovey messages?"

"Johana! Johana! Johana! Stop!", HL shouted.

"Why? Tell I-Shit-Gold to stop!", I interrupted.

"For fuck sake -", he cut the call.

HE BLOODY HANG UP!

Oh no, you didn't. Hell no!

"Lover Boo, you there?" I typed on GTalk. You remember her, right? :p

"Yes! How are you?, LB replied.

"I'm so fucking pissed!" And I went on spilling my woes to Lover Boo.

"Ignore her!", LB typed.

"No fucking way.  Saying i love you hun, miss you hun on my husband's wall? You're crazy.  I'm gon write something on her post.  Bloody bitch!"

I tried to control my anger and after a few, deep breaths, I decided I'd act like a lady and try to be nice and see if Miss I-Shit-Gold follows my lead.

Whadayyano?  I-Shit-Gold insulted me.  Again.  Doesn't she know Honey Lips is married? She should 'cause his relationship status clearly indicates he's bloody taken.


Honey Lips reached home.  Saw the comments exchange between Miss I-Shit-Gold and I and he deleted them.  Called me and said, "I don't want no drama on my wall.  She's just a friend and there's nothing more going on between us.  Fucking shit gotta stop."

"Hell yes! Shit gotta stop and if you ain't stopping it I bloody will", I retorted.  "How would you like it if a guy friend of mine keeps posting on my Facebook wall, "I love you" and bloody blah blah? And I tried to be nice but she just wouldn't take the hint!"

Over the following days, she kept posting crap on Honey Lips' wall.  Both Honey Lips and I ignored her.  Then all hell broke loose when Honey Lips tagged me in a YouTube clip.

MISG commented, "You've forgotten all about me!"  Her stalking became worse after that.  She'd especially post something just after I did.

And then Honey Lips realised that indeed MISG is a fucking jealous trollop! Hallelujah! But the more you provoke HL, the more he'll ignore you.  It's infuriating but he gotta do something! Right? No.  He didn't.  And MISG continues on with her 'live life good' mantra.  From time to time, she would mention how she and HL have been friends for more than 20-something years and that their friendship is a forever thing.  Nobody will stop her showing love to her friends.

Lover Boo intervened with a goaded comment one day and MISG had the guts to insult her too!

Did I mention that Lover Boo and Honey Lips are real tight buddies?  No?  Well, they are.  MISG may have known HL for a long time but they haven't seen or met each other in eons.  Not that it really means anything in friendship but MISG is overplaying the we-are-old-friends factor.  I let her know that I'm glad she's an old friend of my husband but stay in your boundaries, will ya? She says she won't! And fed me crap like, she's a free-spirited soul, who believes in showing love to her friends and yaddi yadda...not to mention that she's a lady of class and her lineage is out of this world. (Insert eye rolls here please.  Thank you!)  She presumes that her public affection to a married man, albeit a friend, is not disrespectful at all.  Say what?!

Her last comment on HL's wall left me staggering. Why should I keep on feeding her already-massive ego?  Like Lover Boo said, the more I react to MISG's BS, the more she'll try to whip out non-existent demons.

Ain't no one gon fuck my love story! I'm the leading lady.  Heck! I'm the ONLY lady.

End of discussion.

Merry Christmas to you too!

If Looks Could Kill, Lover Boo Will Be Charged...

Reading this from Chinky Mel Corner, the night when Honey Lips, Lover Boo and I went clubbing came to mind.

In life, there are friends and friends.  Some friends, no matter how long you haven't spoken to, or no matter how far they are from you, remain special.  When you meet up again, it's like 'only yesterday'.  

Lover Boo and I are very tight.  As the new lingo describes it, we are BFFs.  The bond we share remains tight, if not tighter by each and every conversation we enjoy. 

When I came back home, of course, we met and kinda fell back in the now-that-I-am-here-we-will-see-each-other-as-often-as-possible-and-call-each-other-as-much-as-we-like-which-is-every-day routine.  

Honey Lips, Lover Boo and I planned a night out.  We went to a very popular club in the tourist-y area.  Lover Boo donned a sexy dress and a pair of high heels, whereas I wore my have-worn-so-many-times black dress, and heels.  We were feeling gorgeous, especially with Honey Lips praising us and all. 

(Something like the following ensued...in other words, paraphrasing...)

Lover Boo, once we reached the club, asked, "What will you guys have? I'm treating you two."

"Hennessy and Coke for me!", exclaimed Honey Lips.  

"I don't know...?", I was confused. What's new?

"Okay, let's go to the bar and then you can browse the menu", Lover Boo sweetly offered.

I agreed and, she and I made our way to the bar while Honey Lips rushed to the window seat. 

"Is something wrong with me? I see people shooting me weird looks...", LB asked me, sweeping a glance around us.  Lover Boo is really, really attractive.  You would agree too, if you saw her.

"You're pretty.  That's what it is", I chuckled while perusing the menu.  

"Women are staring at me! Eeekss...", she screeched.

"Isn't that what you want? Women looking at you?", I wisely cracked.  "Anyway, what are you having?"

"Yes, but they are giving me weird looks, you know? And this guy on my right too.  He's staring", LB whispered to me.  I stopped and looked on her right and saw this white dude devouring LB with his eyes.

"Oh! He is indeed staring at you!", I whispered back.

"Erm...have you decided what you want?", Lover Boo, uneasily, asked.  

"A Margarita! Yes. I want a Margarita. And you?", I looked up again, and what do you know? LB is talking to the white dude! I elbowed her and she turned to me.  

"Yes babes? He wants to buy me a drink!" She was bloody amused by now.  

"Accept it! Ha!", I, the Great Advisor, said.  "No way! He won't leave me alone then", LB muttered.  "Let's get you your drink. I'll have the same thing as well."

We ordered, collected our drinks and made our way to where Honey Lips was patiently waiting for us.

"You don't know what just happened!", I said to HL while I plopped my ass in the vacant chair next to him.  LB and I then regaled HL with what happened by the bar.

"Well next time, you accept his treat, silly!", Honey Lips teased LB.

Eventually, Lover Boo did accept White Dude's treat...A Guinness! For Honey Lips! 

Hey You! 'Sup?

The phone rang.
My heart jumped.
I thought it was him.

I looked at the screen.
Saw it wasn't him.
I smiled. I picked up.

It was her.
We chatted for a while.
We said bye.

When will he call?
I'm worried.
I'm still waiting...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A little something-something I felt like writing.  Don't know what to call that.  They don't even rhyme.

So how are you doing? 

A Desultory Hi!

Oh Lord, ain't you guys wanna tie me up and throw me in the middle of the Pacific Ocean? You know, the sporadic appearances of myself? Tiresome, ain't it? It's okay.  You can dexterize me...

Anyway, I've been spending some quality time with Lover Boo (remember her? updates on her will follow at a later date!) and she once made me listen to a current favorite song of hers and initially, it wasn't that pleasing to my ears but then I catch myself humming that tune from the time I wake up till I go to La-La Land at night.

So yes, for lack of not blogging on a regular basis, I want you guys to have a listen too! Just to remember me by...please...




So how was it?

I'm A Very Busy Woman...

This post is all about updates.  

Remember Main Squeeze?  I haven't heard from her in a long while.  The last time I saw her was when she brought her dad over to introduce him to Honey Lips and I.  That was in March, if my memory serves me right.  I've met The Pimp last week.  Saw him a couple of times before and always alone or in the company of friends.  Is he still with Main Squeeze? I'm not sure.

Treadmill Mouth went underground for a good portion of the last 2 months.  He then re-appeared 3 weeks ago.  I think he was hiding away, out of shame.  Because almost everyone caught him out on his gossip-y habits.  Honey Lips conveniently turns his head away or just leaves when Treadmill Mouth is around.  HL doesn't want to be associated with the likes of TM.

Attitude Boy became the father of a little girl last month.  His first baby mother and the twins are still in NY.  His attitude still sucks.  Pretty Woman went to the US and in her first week in the states, she already started applying for modelling jobs.  Facebook says she's reaching places.  I wish her all the best.

Flat Face and Horny Pants haven't left each other's bed as of yet.  God bless them.

Lover Boo is still pining for Virgin Boo.  Lover Boo wastes spends her time analyzing the unjustices of unrequited love while Virgin Boo is doing her best to keep things platonic.  It's no use talking to either one of them.

Stupid Girl should have been named Sucker Girl.  A couple of weeks ago, I caught her (not exactly caught her since she doesn't bother hiding the nasty habit) sucking her thumb! She sits on her balcony, sucking her thumb! Well good for her.  At least she's practising something! Sucking skills are very important if you want to succeed in life, right?  You don't know?  Ask Stupid Girl's mum.  I met her for the first time last week and I would be so right in believing that she condones her daughter's lifestyle.  As a matter of fact, SG's whole family knows of her affair with High Cock.  Talk about family support!

Anyway, let's get to the good news.

Honey Lips is still trying to be funny and cracking jokes left, right and center while The Mercurial Wife is being a bitch.  As always.


Side Note: Why are you skimming? Go click on the links and read the stories if you haven't already! There's a good girl. ;p

Names Explained

Busy, busy, busy!

Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork!

Hot, hot, hot!

Now merge those 3 together you get hell, hell, hell.

That's where I've been for the past 2 weeks.  Hell!

Anyway someone asked me why did I name Stupid Girl Stupid Girl and High Cock High Cock.  I know many of you are curious and wonder why do I refer to the people I blog about with crazy names.  Well ain't it your lucky day today!  I'm going to tell you why.

Honey Lips - My husband who drives me crazy with his soft and sweet lips.  I can spend everyday in bed with his lips kissing every inch of my skin.

Classy Woman - a good friend who loathes bad-mannered people.  She would swallow a fart even if her life depends on her not swallowing it.

High Cock - a rich guy who drives more than one car, has more than one house, has more than one mistress put up in rented accommodation, and has a heart of gold.  And his wife is one of the prettiest, smart women on the island.  Life sucks, eh?

Lover Boo - my lesbian friend whom you wish were a man. Whom you wish were your man.  When she loves, she gives her all.  That's one chick who'll really travel to the end of the world for you.  She's a classic example of love-makes-you-go-blind theory. 

Virgin Boo - the love of Lover Boo.  She is a virgin in every sense.  Nuff said.

Stupid Girl - one of the mistresses of High Cock, she has had sexual intercourse from an early age and believes she's too much of a mature woman to mingle with the high-schoolers and hence dropped out.  She parties every night and sleeps during the day.  Sugar daddies come and go, true, but when shit goes sour, then what? No GCSE, no diplomas, no degrees.  No education.  Even hookers know the importance of education.

Treadmill Mouth, Main Squeeze, The Pimp, Manly Man and Slutty Girl - the names say it all!

I'm all ears now! ;p

The Sun Is Shining Brighter Today

Before I share with you the stupid-est joke I've ever heard, let me thank each and everyone for commenting on my previous post.  On numerous occasions, I've told Lover Boo to move on before it gets messier.  She says she's bound by the power of love and she will close that chapter only when Virgin Boo finds someone else!  That's absurd I know.  As many of you agreed, Virgin Boo is being selfish.  All I can do at this point is to keep reiterating the same arguments over and over again.  But at the end of the day it's her choice, however foolish it is.  That's the sad part.

Anyway, if you're following me on Twitter then you know that I've been hanging out with Honey Lips for almost 2 days now and hence couldn't read any blogs or mails. We came home for lunch today, despite having had 2 Chicken sandwiches and 1 Beef Sandwich on the road.  After we finished our food, we were chillaxing on the porch when I exclaimed, "Boy it's too hot! I need another shower."

"Again?", Honey Lips asked.

"Yes.  Again.  I feel like diving in a barrel full of cold water and stay the--", I was complaining when he cut me off and nonchalantly said, "The rain washed the dust off the sun earlier and that's why the sun is shining brighter now."

"What?!", I started to laugh.

He pointed to the trees and said, "Looky there, the sun is B.R.I.G.H.T.E.R!"

Uh huh...now isn't that the stupid-est joke you ever heard?

A Love Story Not So Gay

She discovered, quite accidentally, with a little help from me, that she prefers women to men.  Meet Lover Boo, who's in her late 20s, independent, has a full-time job and everything else a woman her age wants and needs.

She broke up with her fiance because bi-curiosity was not just a thought but a possibility and at arm's reach.  Meet Virgin Boo, in her mid 20s, caught up between divorced parents, has a full-time job and was almost going to marry a guy who goes out of his way to show his love for her.

Then they met.  Lover Boo, with her constant need to be loved, and Virgin Boo, untouched so far.  They fell in love.  They broke up with their respective boyfriends and started seeing each other.  One blissful year and some of hot, steamy sex, heart-to-heart conversations, perfect dates, joyous celebrations and almost drama-free quality time, things can only get better, right?  Not in their case.  To be more precise, not in Virgin Boo's case.

Virgin Boo is now having second thoughts.  She no longer thinks that she's cut out for a cock-free life.  Not that she wants any cock either.  Her stress over family issues gave way to her insecurities.  Blowing hot and cold seems her only way to hide her anxieties.  Lover Boo is blaming herself because she thinks she's not loving Virgin Boo enough.  So starts her quest to prove to Virgin Boo how much she loves her.  But it's not working.

Virgin Boo claims that she needs time and space.  Lover Boo agrees.  She backs off.  Weeks gone by, Lover Boo tries to talk to Virgin Boo.  VB clams up and won't say a word.  Now they just exchange gloomy looks across their office desks (they work for the same company).  Lover Boo is desperate and on the verge of becoming suicidal.  Virgin Boo won't talk.

From lovers to strangers in the space of a few months...

Now I ask you my beautiful readers, what should Lover Boo do?  Cut her losses and move on?  Or keep waiting...?


P.S: I'm not Lover Boo.  She's a close friend of mine and my heart breaks for her.  I've listened to her rants and offered a few encouraging words here and there.  But I believe I'm not doing enough.  Help please!